My Autistic Perspective on Absurd Examples of Censorship
You do realize it's a statue, right, Mr. Puritan?
"Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it." - Mark Twain
While seeking out images of Jason Voorhees' more memorable kills for my recent collage dedicated to his bizarre self-consciousness regarding his exposed face, I noticed that most of the screenshots I came across on Google Images of the tent kill from Jason Goes to Hell had covered up the victim's nipples, yet didn't bother censoring the gory details of her being "unseamed from the nave to th' chops", as William Shakespeare would put it.
The idea that bare nipples are a greater threat to the human psyche than grisly murder got me thinking about other absurd examples of censorship out there. As such, I thought it would be fun to go over some of these and offer my two cents on each. To be clear, I'm only focusing on the sillier side of censorship. I understand why Germany bans Nazi imagery or why depictions of the World Trade Center were put on hiatus following 9/11.
I also realize that censorship is a very touchy and complex subject, a double-edged sword that can simultaneously hinder bigots and aid tyrants. Not black-and-white, but shades of grey. Contemplating the freedoms of speech, the press, and the arts are a philosophical discussion for another day, though. For now, let's get back to reviewing absurd examples of censorship. Ready? Let's go!
Draining all the Blood and Gore from Bloody and Gory Video Games
Back in the day, Nintendo was notorious for their bizarre censorship practices. For example, they would release ports of popular bloody and gory video games, such as 1989's Prince of Persia or 1992's Mortal Kombat yet drain all the blood and gore from these games, and then mop the floors with bleach afterwards. What's the point of releasing such games, then, if you're going to remove the biggest draws from them? Sega, the cool cats of the Console Wars, understood what gamers wanted from such games, and let the blood and gore flow freely.
Stripping Religious Symbols from Religious Sites
Religion, like politics, is a touchy subject, so I can understand why big video game developers might shy away from featuring such content in their games. However, the original Japanese versions of titles like 1991's Super Castlevania IV or 1988's Splatterhouse simply featured religious symbols, like the Holy Cross, as background elements in stages set in religious sites, such as cemeteries or churches. This makes perfect sense, as these are the very places you'd expect to see such religious iconography. Why, then, would Western censors feel the need to strip these artifacts from such locales? What's so inappropriate about seeing a cross in a church or on a tombstone, anyway? It's not as if these religious background elements are going to jump out of the game, begin preaching the gospel, and attempt to convert gamers.
Covering Up Nude Roman-Greco Statues
Nude Roman-Greco statues have been around since antiquity and can be found in museums, parks, and fountains all over the world. So, then, why did Ubisoft feel the need to cover up such sculptures in their educational Assassin's Creed Discovery Tour series? Considering the lengths Ubisoft goes to portray history accurately in their mainline Assassin's Creed titles, it makes zero sense whatsoever that they would then cover up works of art everybody has seen in the real world...these are statues, for crying out loud. Is the sight of a stone penis or a pair of stone nipples really going to traumatise your audience and leave them quivering in a corner, Ubisoft?
Failing to Realize the Devil isn't Always in the Details
Nintendo makes this list, yet again, for the time they opted not to release their 1984 NES game, Devil World, in North America, despite bringing it to Europe. The logic behind their bizarre decision to deprive our corner of the world of a Pac-Man clone appears to have been on account of "devil" being in the title, coupled with the fact that a cartoonish blue devil was the central villain of the game. Well, we North Americans have deviled eggs, deviled ham, the Tasmanian Devil, Hot Stuff the Little Devil, Sympathy for the Devil, and the New Jersey Devils, so I highly doubt our culture would've erupted into bouts of mass hysteria had Devil World arrived on our shores, Nintendo. Congrats on depriving yourselves of some additional funds you could've made back in 1985, guys.
Attempting to Scrub Foul-Mouthed Characters' Tongues with Soap (and Failing Miserably)
Some movies are riddled with colourful and lewd expletives, such as 1983's Scarface or 1999's American Pie, both of which are R-rated and not ideal candidates for family viewings with the little ones. The smart move here would've been to just let these movies be and not waste any time trying to sanitize them. Enter the censors and their brilliant Oscar-worthy screenwriting skills. Suddenly, Tony Montana's lewd and crude description of Miami...is now some cheesy line...about plucking chickens, and the shocking revelation of Michelle's band camp story is that she put her flute...in her mouth...which is where you're expected to put flutes, if you wish to play them. Bravo, censors. Bravo.
Tampering with Characters' Sexual Orientations, Genders, Contours, and Belly Buttons
Censors had a field day with Sailor Moon when the iconic anime first journeyed to the West in 1995. Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune were reworked from a lesbian couple into...a pair of cousins. While the gay couple Zoisite and Kunzite remained romantically linked, Zoisite's gender was swapped from male to female...effectively reimagining the pair as a straight couple. The Sailor Scouts' transformation sequences were also altered, as seen here, with Sailor Jupiter's contours and belly button...being airbrushed off her body. What was so wrong with Sailor Uranus and Sailor Neptune's relationship, Zoisite's original gender and sexual orientation, or Sailor Jupiter's contours and belly button? I have no idea.
Bafflingly Believing Bare Nipples are More Traumatic than Grisly Murders
Let's wrap things up with a look at the screenshot that sparked this whole article: the victim from 1993's Jason Goes to Hell, who, as pointed out, only has her nipples covered up...and not her "unseamed from the nave to th' chops" torso. Three censored images, all worried about covering up the victim's nipples, but none of them concerned about shielding their audiences from the violent nature of her murder. Personally, I feel neither the victim's bare nipples nor her grisly death should've been censored. After all, Jason Goes to Hell is an R-rated slasher flick, "Jason" being in the title tells you to expect plenty of nudity and gore, and the onus is ultimately on viewers to know what kinds of movies they can and cannot handle. Having said all that, I do find it mind-boggling that bare nipples are considered more alarming than grisly murders.
And that's a wrap! Thanks for reading. If you find this topic interesting, I encourage you to check out Movie-Censorship.com and The Cutting Room Floor, both of which are cool sites and awesome resources about censorship. I still have some leftover examples that didn't make the cut this time around, so perhaps a future follow-up is in order? Until next time, love, peace, and chicken grease!