Fearing the Reaper: My Self-Reflection on Death
Paying respects and reflecting on the great mystery.
"Our new Constitution is now established, and has an appearance that promises permanency; but in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes." - Benjamin Franklin
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." - Psalm 23
Some of us are going through hard times due to the increasingly chaotic and turbulent state of the world these past few years. The pandemic, rise in extremism, war in Ukraine, crimewave plaguing my hometown, nonstop mass shootings, inflated cost of living, looming threat of war in Taiwan, unexpected deaths of loved ones, and other bad news have all been taking a toll on our psyche. All this global suffering has affected me and worsened my anxiety.
Thankfully, I'm getting help and avoiding triggers. This brings me to today's post, as I have been advised that it may be helpful to confront my growing fear of death by facing it head-on in the Ranting Zone. Well, here goes.
It's impossible to ignore death, as we've all lost friends, relatives, or pets at some point in our lives. Death's personification as the harvester of souls, a fearsome cloaked skeleton brandishing a scythe, is a ghoulishly striking image everybody's familiar with. Death is a natural part of life and an uncomfortable topic that makes me apprehensive. This wasn't always the case. When I was a kid, I never thought much about death, as I believed longevity was achievable by simply adopting a healthy lifestyle and avoiding unnecessary risks.
Things changed for me as a young teen in middle school. After surviving bullying and living through 9/11 and SARS, I realized longevity was never guaranteed. It seemed that we could die any moment from factors beyond our control. The world has since grown meaner and uglier, especially after COVID-19.
I've come to view life as being as fragile as a carton of eggs at a grocery store and death as being as random as a night at a casino. Not only do we have to worry about external threats to our lives, such as murder, accidents, natural disasters, or war, but also internal ones, as even our own bodies can kill us with terminal illnesses, health conditions, allergies, depression, and so on. Then, there's life-threatening or life-changing diseases or injuries to worry about. As somebody on the spectrum, the unknown is always terrifying, and there's no greater unknown than our own mortality or life expectancies.
When I was growing up, it seemed most seniors lived into their eighties or beyond. Now, it feels like more and more people are dying in their sixties or under. I've been told this isn't the case; that most people are still living to advanced ages, and all the premature deaths I constantly hear about are what the news chooses to focus on, as tragedy sells. This may be the case.
Birthdays have never bothered me, as growing older is a sign you're still alive. After all, those who don't age are dead. However, I now find birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries bittersweet, as each one is another grain of sand in the hourglass containing the sands of time. This makes me cherish every second I get to spend with the people I love and care about.
Death is a great paradoxical mystery. Nobody knows for sure what awaits us on the other side, yet everybody finds out. This unsettles me, as it feels both eerie and sobering to reflect on it, which makes me shudder. Also, while our deaths are a scary and permanent departure from this world, our individual passings have little consequence on the world at large, aside from those left to mourn us. Once we're gone, life carries on as it always has, as if we were never even here, like sandcastles on the beach, swept away by the sea.
Not only does death snatch our loved ones away from us, but also all their wisdom, knowledge, stories, recipes, secrets, ideas, skills, and so forth. I always loved sitting in my grandmother's kitchen and listening intently as she told me stories about her youth during the Great Depression and World War II. I also loved hearing her old family anecdotes and enjoying her delicious meals. These wonderful experiences are now just pleasant memories. Then, there's the magnitude of lost wisdom, such as the tomes stored in the Great Library of Alexandria, extinct civilizations like the Druids or Aztecs, and so forth. Death steals so much from us.
On the topic of history, I've always been fascinated with the Victorian era and 19th century photography. As such, I often find myself ruminating how every man, woman, and child in those sepia toned images have been gone for generations. I then imagine somebody over a century from now, looking at our 21st century photos and making the same observation about us. I wonder if anybody back in the 1800s shared these same thoughts.
I was recently told that "death is the fairest thing in this world", as we all go through it without exception. I respectfully disagree. Sure, if we all lived to 100, I'd say it's fair. However, I don't think it's fair for some to die at 10 while others die at 80. I also don't think it's fair that some evil people (who cause nothing but pain, misery, and suffering) die peacefully of old age. I find it equally unfair that some good people, who had the potential to make a positive change in the world, die young. Why?
Another thing I noted is how seldom we make time for the people in our lives, despite our genuine intention to do so. Of course, there are situations that make staying in touch difficult. That's understandable. However, we are often "too busy" with work, school, chores, parenting, hobbies, etc., and have "no time" to get together with our loved ones. I feel we should at least try to make time in our busy schedules for those we care about, even if it's a momentary inconvenience. If meeting up in person isn't feasible, then the occasional phone call or video chat would suffice.
What happens to us after we die is a subject of much debate as well as a hot button issue. I have no intention of preaching my beliefs to anybody. I have friends of all faiths as well as those who are atheist, and I respect all views. I feel none of us should force our beliefs on others, judge them, or insult their views. Always be respectful when discussing any topic, don't let your beliefs ruin your relationships with others, and follow the philosophy of live and let live. Now, moving on.
While death has been a source of great stress for me lately, I take solace in my spirituality, faith in God, and belief in the afterlife. I see our bodies simply as the vessels that house our souls while on earth. Death is a transition to another stage. I believe all religions and philosophies have important and valuable lessons to teach us. I've been advised to research other cultures' religious and philosophical beliefs regarding death. I look forward to doing so once I feel better.
In closing, this educational trip down the rabbit hole of fear and self-reflection has made me acutely aware of all the amazing things we take for granted and helped me realize how much I truly value the gift of life and the people in it. I really don't want to live with thoughts of fear, death, and loss on my mind, as I want to enjoy every second to the max. I also have a great support team.
My mother advised me to pray whenever I feel troubled, keep myself busy, and work on my goals, as doing these things will occupy my mind away from negative thoughts. My father advised me to live the way dogs do, happily in the moment, enjoying their bones, tennis balls, and fire hydrants, with no thought of death or fear of the future. Great tips. Well, this exercise has certainly been therapeutic, and I thank everyone for the support and advice. I also thank you for reading, and as always, love, peace, and chicken grease.
Previously posted on my original Blogger blog, The Ranting Zone, on Tuesday, 25 April 2023.