My Moviegoer Perspective on Keanu Reeves Movies That Never Needed Sequels (But Got Them, Anyway)
Canada's Sweetheart (please don't tariff him).
"I went in (to Return of the Jedi), like, 'Wow, I wonder, are they gonna do this, and will they do that...? And then I was, like, 'Oh no. Oh no.'" - Keanu Reeves
In the wake of tariffs and threats to our sovereignty, a defiant wave of true patriot love is sweeping across our home and native land. In the spirit of such defiance, I thought I'd dedicate a post on the unnecessary sequels of Canada's sweetheart, Keanu Reeves, whom I hope won't be hit with tariffs for exporting his talents to Hollywood. While working on this special, I came to the realization that many of Keanu's films depict varying degrees of body horror, so I'll be noting any that come to mind along the way. Now, without further ado (or politics), let's begin our excellent adventure!
Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, 1989
1989's Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is a fun, lighthearted comedy that follows the exploits of Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted "Theodore" Logan, a pair of teenaged dimwits who learn from a time traveller, Rufus, that their music will bring about world peace in the distant future, but only if they pass their high school history class. Rufus provides the duo with a telephone booth time machine (the hot tub variety hadn't been invented yet), which they use to venture into the past, kidnapping historical figures to help them achieve a passing grade. It's a silly premise, sure, but one with plenty of laughs. No sequels needed.
Now, the sequels...
Well, the filmmakers apparently disagreed, as they produced two sequels. The first sees Bill & Ted shuffle off their mortal coils after being flung off that cliff from Star Trek by their evil robot doubles. Their ghosts then literally cheat Death before inadvertently getting themselves exorcised during a seance, thus winding up in Hell. The second is one of those "passing-of-the-torch" soft reboots released decades after the original. As is the norm with such revivals, the now middle-aged Bill & Ted take a backseat to their daughters, Billie & Thea, who experience similar mishaps as their fathers. While both are fun in their own ways, neither sequel compares to the goofy goodness of the original, in my book.
Now, the body horror...
The sequel features scenes of Bill & Ted's evil robot doubles casually peeling back their faces and pulling open their bellies, as though their skin were articles of clothing.
Speed, 1994
1994's Speed is a thrilling, action-packed roller coaster experience, in which a domestic terrorist, Howard Payne, rigs a bus with explosives set to detonate should the speedometer ever dip below 80 km/h. This means commuter-turned-bus driver, Annie Porter, can never take her foot off the accelerator. Meanwhile, bomb squad officer, Jack Traven, must find a way to catch up with, and board, the speeding bus to assist Annie. Awesome flick from start to finish that stands the test of time and could never be topped by a sequel.
Now, the sequel...
Well, the filmmakers tried to top the original, even without Keanu's participation. This time around, Annie is enjoying a relaxing Caribbean cruise with her new police officer boyfriend, Alex Shaw, Jack's generic stand-in. However, another domestic terrorist, John Geiger, targets the cruise ship, intent on running it aground. This bloated stinker of a sequel proves that bigger isn't always better.
Now, the body horror...
The original contains a scene in which Payne rams a screwdriver into a man's ear. Karma then pays the terrorist back tenfold, when he Paynefully loses his head while doing a lousy job of subway surfing.
Now, a fun fact...
Nelvana's 1997 Donkey Kong Country animated series featured an episode with the same title and premise as the 1994 action-thriller, simply substituting the unstoppable bus with a runaway mine cart. It's a pretty spot-on homage/parody, too.
The Matrix, 1999
1999's The Matrix is one strange movie, even by my eccentric standards, with a confusing and convoluted plot involving computer programmer, Thomas Anderson, or "Neo", as he's known in the hacker community, learning the world he inhabits is in fact a highly advanced form of virtual reality, with the real world beyond it being a much grimmer and scarier place. You had to be alive in 1999 to feel the true impact this movie had on pop culture. Its blending of the science fiction and martial arts genres, heavy use of slow-motion and wire-based visual effects, and stylish fashion of black leather paired with sunglasses became both widely imitated and parodied by filmmakers, evolving into a late-'90s Hollywood fad. How do you top that level of success?
Now, the sequels...
Short answer, you don't. Despite three sequels being produced, none of them managed to capture lightning in a bottle the way the original did. It was just more of the same widely imitated and parodied tropes without the originality. It would've been far better had the filmmakers left the movie in 1999, as a memorable one-and-done experience. Sometimes, less is more.
Now, the body horror...
The original film features a scene of a centipede burrowing its way into Neo's belly button, perhaps seeking lint or cheese. The third installment contains a scene of Neo's eyes being burned out of his sockets, blinding him.
John Wick, 2014
Lastly, we have 2014's John Wick, the story of a retired assassin and recent widower, who receives a puppy from his late wife to help him cope through his grief. Tragically, the puppy is killed by a gang of thugs looking to rough up and rob Wick. Well, their heinous and unforgivable act of animal cruelty turns out to be the greatest mistake of their lives, as Wick was the "Baba Yaga" in his former life, the deadliest assassin of all time. Now, Baba's pissed and out for blood, killing anyone foolish enough to stand in the way of his vengeance for his beloved puppy. If you enjoy ultra violent, bloody, gory action flicks, this one will be right up your alley.
Now, the sequels...
While I'm certain the filmmakers saw dollar signs from the start, I feel the three sequels that followed weren't needed, as the original ended on a satisfying note. While the sequels are indeed entertaining, they're just more of the same nonstop bloodshed. It becomes rather absurd, from a narrative perspective, that assassins would continue coming after Wick, knowing the man's essentially a demigod, akin to Hercules or Achilles. Also, the fourth film is way too long, being close in length to 1995's Braveheart or 1997's Titanic. This isn't helped by a drawn-out sequence of Wick attempting to ascend a seemingly endless staircase, akin to the one from Super Mario 64, while constantly being knocked back down to the bottom. No, thanks. I'll stick with the original's tragic puppy love story.
Now, the body horror...
The third flick contains a scene of Wick severing his ring finger. There's also a shot of a ballerina peeling off her entire toenail. As somebody who once had a toenail surgically removed, I can personally attest to the painfulness of this particular body horror experience. Not fun, believe me.
Body Horror Bonus: Bram Stoker's Dracula, 1992, and 47 Ronin, 2013
To my knowledge, neither 1992's Bram Stoker's Dracula nor 2013's 47 Ronin received sequels, though they both contain Keanu and body horror, making them honourable mentions. The former features a scene in which the Brides of Dracula seduce solicitor, Jonathan Harker, in their bed, though he fails to realize the pleasure is all theirs, as he's simply a midnight snack for the vampiric trio. The latter depicts a scene of the mixed-race ronin, Kai, and his comrades, performing seppuku/hara-kiri in unison, slicing open their bellies to restore their honour as samurai. This is an actual form of ceremonial/ritualistic suicide in Japan, dating back centuries.
This concludes our Keanu special. Until next time, be excellent to each other and party on, dudes! Do you have any thoughts on this post? If so, feel free to reach out by leaving a comment, dropping me a line, or signing my guestbook to share your opinions on this or any other topic. Also, feel free to press the "like" button if you enjoyed this post, as "likes" help me gauge audience interest in the content I post. After all, I don't want to bore anyone, ha-ha. Until next time, love, peace, and chicken grease!
Posted in "Nerd Alert" on Tuesday, February 18, 2025.